Episode 186: Warriors: Maori

“Our people once were warriors. But unlike you, Jake, they were people with mana, pride; people with spirit.”
– Once Were Warriors

Kia ora, mates. This installment of Warriors is about the original Kiwis: the Maori. You won’t be brassed off by this episode. We’re a couple of pakeha, but we give it heaps. This episode is a corker and chock-a-block with elements.  Cheers, bros.

Ka mate! Ka mate! Ka ora! Ka ora!
(Tis death! Tis death! Tis life! Tis life!)

Episode 178: Warriors: Persian Immortals

“They hold it unlawful to talk of anything which it is unlawful to do. The most disgraceful thing in the world, they think, is to tell a lie.”
On the Customs of the Persians, Herodotus

In this installment of Warriors, we honour the Persians by only speaking the truth about their elite soldiers, the Immortals. This means that they were probably called the “Companions” instead of the “Immortals,” and that they were regular men in purple and yellow robes instead of dual katana-wielding orc ninjas. Who knew Zach Snyder took some creative liberties with them?

Episode 164: Warriors: Longbowmen

“A long bow and a strong bow,
And let the sky grow dark.
The nock to the cord, the shaft to the ear,
And a foreign king for a mark!”
– Robert E. Howard

In this installment of Warriors, we discuss the English longbowmen and Welsh lngbwmn (probable spelling). Listen to learn how surprisingly easy it is to make a longbow, according to Chris, and how to safely remove an arrow, according to Lyal.

This is another Wayneless episode. He refused to participate in protest over our refusal name this episode “longbowpeople”.

 

Episode 153: Warriors: Zulu Impi

“The bones must be thrown in three different places before the message must be accepted.
– Zulu proverb

What bones? Where are they being thrown? Couldn’t someone just sign for the message?

In this episode, we discuss the Zulu Impi, who conquered the surrounding areas and took on the British Empire. Be thankful that Chris didn’t write these notes or they would’ve been in Zulu. What’s the Zulu word for “pretentious”, Chris?

Episode 136: Warriors: French Foreign Legion

“We can certainly risk a few Legionnaires for France. After all, they are mostly foreigners.”
March or Die

Those that make jokes about the French’s inability to fight forget the elite, battle-hardened French Foreign Legion. This collection of Germans, Eastern Europeans, Latin Americans … aaaaand that doesn’t help. Never mind.
In this installment of warriors, we look at the French Foreign Legion, a gang of murderers, rapists, and thieves, until Interpol stepped in with background checks. Now, it’s home to alimony-escaping ex-spouses, the unemployed, and probably still thieves (at least Interpol left us with that one).

Episode 130: Warriors: Musketeers

It takes three to make a thing go right
It takes espirit to make it outta sight
En garde!

I wanna allez now
I am prêt and I came to get down
I am internationally known And I am known to riposte for the throne
Because I get stoopid, I mean rivalacious  Stay away from me if you’re contagious
Cause I’m the winner, no, I’m not a loser
To be musketeer is what I choose-a
Ladies love me, girls adore me
I mean even the ones who never saw me
Like the way that I touché them in bed
While my rivals passé instead

In this installment of warriors, we look at the French Musketeers. Are you flashy enough to carry an épée?

Episode 120: Warriors: Apache

“It is better to have less thunder in the mouth and more lightning in the hand.”
– Apache proverb

The warpath
When lightning strikes, bows and war clubs gleamin’
No sunshine, no Geronimo dreamin’
The cavalry roamin’ on the loose, you got juice
Up for abuse, when Chiricahua is induced
So suck along, rock on, the brain waves

What you clocking, I’d be tomahawking, you get maimed
The games you play, look up and say you want to change
And rearrange, the strange, you never go the way
Don’t look back, forget that, you need that
Just sit back, look at the show, and see that

In this installment of warriors, we look at the Apache. Are we just thunder in the mouth?

 

 

 

 

 

It is better to have less thunder in the mouth and more lightning in the hand.

Episode 111: Warriors: Mongolian Horsemen‏

Genghis Khan is the name, I’m ahead of my game
Still, drinking from teats, still with hoof beats
Still not loving the Caliphs (Uh hun)
Still rock my kharash in battle and a seige
Still got love for the steeeppes, repping one one one
Still the hooves bang, still arrows twang
Since I left, ain’t too much changed, still

Got a whole Tumen ridin’ at my back, you won’t even see when I’m coming to attack
Cause you think that we be a fleein’, yeah looks like we be retreatin’
But soon you’ll be seein’; that it’s you who is get beaten
You think we all dressed in fur, but I got fine lacquer armor and a bling silk shirt.

Still history won’t be bored,
Still have all the rage we have stored,
Still yo you gonna get served,
Still by the Mongol Horde!
Since I left, ain’t too much changed, still

For our next installment of Warriors, we look at the Mongolian Horsemen. A group who, even 700 years later, still represents the idea of an unstoppable, all conquering juggernaut.

Episode 100: Warriors: Gladiators

Jupiter’s middle leg! Has it been C episodes already? Gratitude for listening. At times, words fell from our mouths as crap from ass. However, we pray we offered some manner of good advice on other occasions. We plan to continue as long as desire wills our tongues.

In episode C, we offer another installment of Warriors.  Here we discuss  Gladiators, the brotherhood of the stadium.

Episode 87: Warriors: Flying Aces

“Forever young, I want to be forever young.
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?”

– “Forever Young”, Alphaville

Assail your opponent from behind, only fire at close range, and always, always keep the sun behind you. In this installment of Warriors, we talk about l’as, the star-turn, der uberkanonen, the flying ace.